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look away

more lies.

i'm just going to stop reading his journal, because he doesn't give me a chance to respond to the things he says, anyway. my mom told me all along that she thought adrian wasn't good for me.. that he was manipulative and good at switching things around to get you so confused that you start to question reality. i didn't listen because i loved him.

one night in particular sticks out in my mind where i was sitting at home (the apartment) while adrian was out drinking, and i just needed someone to talk to... someone to hold me and comfort me and make me not want to die. that's what a partner is supposed to do.

i sent him text message after text message pleading with him to come home.. saying i really needed him. he stayed for more drinks, stopped to get food, and rented movies, then finally returned home. when he found that i had cut myself up pretty badly, he said i was being manipulative, and i only did it to make him feel bad and get his attention.

i guess, in the end, he never really understood what any of my depression was about, and he was never really there for me when i needed him to be.

but i don't deserve to get worked up about this anymore, so i'm just ending it here. i'm glad the apartment is mine again (he was always mad that i considered it mine when he was staying there, even though i never saw a cent for rent money) and i'll be there alone.

but before i end, i've gotta share one funny thing... the one and only time adrian ever took me out to dinner the whole time we were dating, he ended up not being able to pay with a check and i had to foot the bill anyway.

ha.

there. enough. it's out of my system.

he's out of my life.

and i can start to work on healing my heart again.

Comments

only vaguely knowing adrian, and not knowing your relationship at all, i'm not going to comment on it.

but! i do want to say that i am proud of you for checking yourself into a hospital. it's something that i've never been brave enough to do myself, even though i have some similar ways of coping. sometimes therapy isn't enough. (sometimes?)

(Anonymous)

After reading through your journal I have come to the conclusion that you are no better than me. In fact you are worse than me. Your a cutter and atleast my boyfriend paid rent. You were blinded by love...oh no! At least my boyfriend is there for me now and has been there for me and will continue to be there for me. Maybe Adrian left you because you were a stupid bitch. Fuck if I were a guy I would not date your ass. Im seeing a lot of bad personality traits. Including a really bad eating disorder. I would put you out of your misery but after talking to Adrian on LJ he said you would do it yourself. By the way Adrian and I seem to get along really well. He said he like my pictures because I was not a bony sack of shit. Oh and I was nice. Take care
who are you? and i doubt you "read my journal" since 99.9% of it has been friends-only for several months now. but go ahead and pass judgement on me if you like..... i doubt you ever knew the situation between adrian and i in the first place.

and the fact that you won't leave a comment with your username just shows how frightened you are to let me know who you really are.