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Apr. 30th, 2003


(no subject)

yay!!! lee from oakbrook apartments just called me back to let me know that i have been approved for the apartment. now all i have to do is set up an appointment with the current tenants to meet together with lee and discuss all the little things that need to be discussed in transferring the lease.

w00t! : )

Apr. 29th, 2003


(no subject)

i'm jumping on the bandwagon..

The Low-Fidelity All-Star: he was born with the cool, and it's totally natural.  He runs the gamut from Hipster Supreme (only they can ingest as much coffee as he) to the geeky hipster%
You are the Low-Fidelity All-Star. You were born
with your cool, and it's totally natural. You
run the gamut from Hipster Supreme (only they
can ingest as much coffee as you) to the geeky
hipster (Mario Kart, anyone?).

What Kind of Hipster Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

(no subject)

yay! i started my hunt for things i need for the new apartment last night. i ended up getting a bunch of bath stuff- shower curtain (which i can't decide if i like or not.. i'm debating over whether or not it's too "girly."), toothbrush holder, garbage basket, etc. i also picked up a bunch of kitchen stuff- blender, knife set, silverware, and other kitchen gadgets. i forgot to pick up a brita, and didn't find a wafflemakerthingy that i approved of-- i want one of those! (they look like loads of fun, don't they?)

theeeeeeen, my mom was browsing around ebay (as she generally does at work) and pointed out this awesome set of stainless steel pots and pans with the coolass see-through glass lids. the auction said they retailed at $125, but they were up for auction for forty-eight cents, with $41 shipping/handeling. w00t! i bid while there was only sixteen minutes left, (which was nice, since i didn't have to sit around and wait for it to end) and won with my forty-eight cent bid. check them out here.

that's all.

Apr. 28th, 2003


(no subject)


guess who found an apartment in madison?!?! uh huh.. this girl did! : )

i'll be moving in in less than three weeks!

Apr. 25th, 2003


(no subject)

it's absolutely glorious outside! the perfect temperature.. the perfect amount of breeze.. and i'm in the perfect mood. all my work for the day is done, so i might even end up being able to leave early. yay!

suzy's all smiley today! : )

Apr. 24th, 2003


(no subject)

i love the wonderment of kids concerning body mods and personal appearance in general. like today, as i was going to pick up my mom's prescriptions.. exiting my car in the parking lot, a little girl exclaimed to her mom "look, mom.. she's got red hair!" it made me smile. but even moreso, i love the wonderment that adults express. (when they're not being total pricks, that is)

on tuesday at work, a woman came in to.. well.. i don't remember why she came into the office, but she was nice. anyway.. she comes up to my desk (for those of you who don't know, i sit at the receptionist desk at my place of work) and immediately says something like "oh, wow.. you have your ears real big! my son's girlfriend does piercings and tattoos, and she has her ears like that too! yeah.. she pierced my navel last summer. wow.. i think that's soooo cool!" hehehe.. it was pretty cute.

i'm in a much better mood than i was earlier. yes i am.

that's all.

(no subject)

i still feel sick. i should probably go back to work at noon like i was planning, but i know there will be nothing for me to do there and i'll just end up being sick and bored. and instead of being lonely and alone, i'll be lonely and forced to deal with people.

sorry.. i'll stop whining now. no one wants to hear that. oh, hey.. my computer is all put together. my brother finished it this morning or yesterday or sometime, and he says it's a lot better than he had even thought. that's good.

(no subject)


..i feel like curling up in a little ball and hiding in a corner. if i knew where this profound feeling of emptiness stemmed from, maybe i could work on a solution for it.. figure out what i needed to fill it with to make me whole. but i don't know. i have no idea.

and i'm making myself physically sick now.. i can feel it creeping over me like a dark, damp blanket. i feel myself suffocating, choking on razor tears. and i don't know how to make this stop. i don't know how to make it stop.

Apr. 23rd, 2003


(no subject)

how, exactly, does one acquire a hangover after one and a half drinks? oh jesus.. my head hurts.

Apr. 22nd, 2003


(no subject)

well.. my car is fixed. it cost me $350, but i could tell the difference immediately on the short drive of a few blocks back to the office. it seems strange to be able to drive directly forward without having to turn the wheel 45 degrees to the left just to go straight. oh, and apparently the tires have a six year warranty, and i can go in to get them rotated every eight thousand miles, and the.. uhm... some other thing that they put on has a lifetime warranty. so that's gotta be good. right?

yay unbroken car! yeehaw!

(no subject)

boo hoo.

okay, let me explain the car situation to you. first, my car was supposed to cost under $100 (including labor) to break off and replace the tire stems (which basically needs to be done so i can add air to my freaking tires) and align the front and back wheels. but i keep getting phone calls from the tire place, and every time they call, they call to alert me of something else that needs to be fixed. the first call was to say that my tires are bad. uhm.. yeah.. this is probably why i almost died about fifteen times over the course of the wintertime. dude explained that he might as well replace all four of them at $46/tire plus labor instead of replacing the stems at $11.50/each and needing to replace the tires soon down the road anyway.

anyway, he called two times after that, telling me about other things that i have to fix before the alignment can be done. if nothing else comes up, this will run me close to $400. i should have seen this coming..

(no subject)

take that, liz:

Your Heart is Red

What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

(no subject)

yeah.. i keep adding journal entries because i have nothing better to do. excitement.

anyway, i should be going to the post office to mail out marie's letter and cigarettes that i promised her last friday, but i have no car at the moment. it's finally getting fixed today, and it had to be dropped off by noon. my mom and brother are out shopping for a new car for her, so i dropped my car off at the tire place earlier this morning. it'll be nice to get it fixed.. to get some air in the tires.. to (possibly) get the alignment less fucked.

in other news, i definitely didn't want to get out of bed this morning. the bed was warm (as was the very disoriented body laying next to me) and the air was bitter and cold, which lead to an hour of hitting the snooze button, getting in to work thirty minutes after i had planned on going, and leaving no time to shower. (that's not really a huge surprise, though.) so now i'm tired and bored and very much wanting to snuggle up with a certain someone and fall gently asleep.

(no subject)

okay, i didn't really like the results i got to this quiz. so, being the cheater that i am, i took it over... like, seven times.

there are eight different possible answers to the quiz, and every fucking time i got the same thing. ah well.

You're The Tortured Artist
You're the Tortured Artist. You do anything and
everything; from water colours, to morbid
poetry, to emo music and zines. Nobody
understands you and they never will, but that's
alright because you have your art. You're
extremely intelligent and diverse, but perhaps
a little cynical. That's okay though, the world
can bite you and you can make up a short story
about then illustrate it yourself.

What Is Your Inner Artist?
brought to you by Quizilla

(no subject)

there's just something about perfect, warm chai in the morning that makes me smile.. makes me happy.

i guess it's the little things that count. : )

Apr. 21st, 2003


(no subject)

i would offer you my pulse
if i thought it would be useful
i would give you my breath
the problem with death is that you have
some hundred years and then they can
build building on your only bones
100 years and then your grave is not your own
we lie in out beds, and our graves
unable to save ourselves from
the quaint tragedies we invent
and then undo from the stupid circumstances
we slalomed through
and i realized that night that the hall light
which seemed so bright when you turned it on is nothing
compared to the dawn
which is nothing, compared to the light
which seeps from me while you're sleeping
cocooned in my room

(no subject)

i just realized that saturday marks one year harm-free for me. i'm not so sure how i feel about that. i'm hoping that i can get in to have my branding done on the anniversary. hopefully dustin will have his shit together by then.

Apr. 18th, 2003


(no subject)

so.. news. i had my brother order my computerstuff yesterday. he has some spare parts laying around his house, so he's throwing those in (and the time it'll take him to build the machine) as my birthday present. nothing like getting your presents four months before your birthday's here. : ) but yeah- this means i'll have a nice computer when i move into wherever i end up living in madison. and this is only costing me $480. yahoo!

last night i went to see kristin in the hospital. i stopped at her house first, feeling somewhat uneasy to find her roommate, alan, in the bathtub. i had to grab things for her from the bathroom, so i ended up sitting around waiting for him to finish before i could leave. then, i went to the meriter hospital that kris had given me directions to, only to find that she wasn't there... she was at the other meriter hospital in madison. after receiving some very bad directions to the other hospital, i finally found it. i was superbly surprised to find out how completely laid back the ward was that kris was in. they didn't look through the bag of stuff i brought her, they allowed the patients to have things with cords, shoelaces, glass vases, etc. they even have a computer in the ward! i was allowed none of these amenities the last time i went impatient. they searched through all my shit and took away anything that may have had any vague semblance of being something i could use to harm myself with. (for instance, i wasn't allowed to have my acrylic paints, my journal- since it was bound with a metal spiral, some polaroid photos i had brought (i have no idea what they thought i would do with those), the string in my hoodie, etc.) it was just... strange. and the whole place made me feel uneasy. it brought back too many scary feelings and memories. it made me insanely nervous.. almost to the point where i felt like i couldn't catch my breath. after a couple hours there, i knew i had to go; i couldn't take it anymore.

upon leaving the building, i realized that i had no idea where i had parked. the building has several levels of parking, and all of them look the same.. gross and dingy and dark. (my mood probably intensified this) after getting close to the point of having a panic attack simply at the thought of losing my car in this giant mass of parking spaces, i finally found it.

when i got to my car, adrian had already left me a voicemail and two text messages. he gave me directions to where he and paul were at, and in my confusion and anxiety, i got confused and ended up on the opposite side of the capitol that i was supposed to be on. a phone call cleared this up quickly, but by the time i met up with adrian and paul, i was reallyreallyreally stressed out.

after sitting with them for a bit, we decided to meet up with liz at her apartment. there, we encountered goodtimes.. drank honey brown and i smoked waaay too many cigarettes. liz snapped photos all night, and we just had a generally great time. unfortunately, though.. i had to head home around 130 or 145 in an attempt to get some sleep. on the way home, we encountered a guy on the road who was very obviously very drunk.

and i think that's about it.

Apr. 17th, 2003


i'm margot! take that, adrian.

You are a secretive, chain-smoking, terminally
depressed rebel. You usually feel awkward in
normal social situations and feel as if you
don't belong. You're really cool and diverse,
considering the crap you have to put up with.
So live it up while you can!

What Royal Tenenbaums character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

another reason i hate this town... and people.

okay, so i stop at the gas station to pick up some cigarettes to send to marie and as i'm leaving, i notice this grungy, sort of nasty-looking guy walking behind me. in an attempt to not hit him, (in retrospect, i should have just plowed over him) i stop. he continues to walk at a crawl-pace.. seemingly reading my bumper stickers as he walks. then i make eye contact with him, and he does this tongue-flicking motion at me. you know.. the international sign for pussy licking, sans the whole finger v thing. *sigh*

apparently in this town, only men who are:

* gross,
* old, or
* handicapped

find me attractive. oh well.

on a better note, a teller at the super-conservative bank i go to complimented me on my hair. "it's an amazing color!" that make me feel better after the whole sicko guy incident.

also, i think i might start updating my page here, if anyone actually cares to read it. i update my bme page every day, and it would be just as easy for me to transfer those entries here, too. yep. that's all i've got.

Apr. 10th, 2003


(no subject)

hol-y shit.

what the fuck is it with old men flirting with me lately?! i was actually asked out by a forty-something man in a wheelchair today. yes, you heard me correctly.

okay, so i leave work on my lunch hour to pick up a prescription. my new psychiatrist upped my depakote dosage by 250mg, so i had to get new pills. anyway, i'm at wal-mart (you can see the story going bad already, i know.) attempting to kill time until the prescription is ready, and we needed coffee filters at work, so i picked those up. then, i run into this (fairly attractive) guy. he notices the tattoos on my fingers and tells me he likes them. he then tells me to come closer so he can "get a better look." i was being nice.. i'm a nice girl. the guy asks me where i get my tattoos done. "in town?" he inquires. i tell him yes. he then asks where i work (and i tell him... eep!!) and if they care about my tattoos. "oh.. they're probably mostly all hidden, right?" i didn't realize the sexual undertones to that comment just yet.

perhaps i should have found it weird that he introduces himself before he wheels away, after only two minutes of conversation, but it doesn't occuur to me at the time. "hi.. i'm michael," he says.. and then he shakes my hand, all gentle-like.

finally, i get my stuff all paid for, and i walk out to my car. as i attempt to pull out of the parking lot to leave, i notice that there's a car in the center of the aisle, blocking me from leaving. i look closer... it's him. at this point, he leans over and whips open his car door and beckons me over with a little come-hither finger gesture. i am quite confused as to what's happening, but i put my car in park and walk up to the open door. here's where it gets fucked-up. i will try to recreate the conversation as best as possible:

wheelchair man: "hi suzy."
me: "uhhhhhmmmmmmmm..... hi?"
WM: "so... do you think you could convince me to get a tattoo?"
me: "excuse me?"
WM: "i need some convincing."
me: [with lots of confusion in my voice] "uhm, well.. what could i do to convince you?"
WM: "could i have your number? i'd love to take you out to lunch sometime and we could talk about it."
me: [appalled.. backing away from car] "whoa, dude.. i'm nineteen!"
WM: "that doesn't matter to me."
me: "..and i'm seeing someone."
WM: [disappointed] "oh, well.. i guess that's what matters."


WM: "maybe i'll get to see the rest of those tattoos sometime."

yeah. uh huh. i just don't understand it. apparently i have a sign on my forehead that says "hey old men-- come fuck me!!"

Apr. 1st, 2003


"chamber music like burning"

okay, kids.. i've gotta throw out a mention for a good cause here. my friend ken is in a string quartet at uw-madison. they play on state street and whatnot, and they've got a couple of cds coming out. these kids are really, really talented and they play some fun music. (think- stairway to heaven, cheers theme song, eleanor rigby, bohemian rhapsody, super mario brothers, etc.)

anyway, the cd is filled with eighty minutes worth of music, at the dirt-cheap price of $5 per cd-- four of which they donate to united cerebral palsy. the cds will be released on april 26, but are on sale now. you can pay via charge card, or with a check.. however you prefer. so hey.. help out a good cause, and get a great cd at the same time!

you can read more info, listen to two teaser tracks, and order the cd here. do it. now!

Mar. 24th, 2003


(no subject)

it's a slow day at work this morning. that's good because i'm in a very lazy mood. after visiting with miss kristin for a bit last night, adrian and i headed over to the paradise for a bit, and i didn't get home until late. for obvious reasons, i opted to come in at 8:30 today as opposed to 8:00. it wasn't fun getting out of bed, i tell you. not fun at all.

Mar. 7th, 2003


(no subject)

my poor, dear glasses broke tonight. gar.

Mar. 4th, 2003


(no subject)

i watched donnie darko (again) last night, and i am ever-so-reminded of how much i fucking love that movie.

the sunshine through the snowflakes..


i feel something right now that i don't feel too often anymore. ..that lurking, tingling feeling of inspiration everywhere around me. it's something like a whisper of magic in the air. i am so aware right now of, quite simply, being alive. too often i get caught up in the mundane bullshit of life and forget to see all the beauty around me, but it's all becoming so clear.

and it feels wonderful.

i miss feeling that urgency to be ever-aware of my surroundings for fear of losing a second of something amazing at any given moment. i used to feel it all the time- mostly when i was stuck in deep, deep depressions, just looking for a way out.. desperately hoping that unknown shimmer must exist somewhere. but this time it's different, somehow. like, that urgency accompanied by some strange, wonderful sense of wholeness and self-exploration. i feel like i should be recording my every thought so as not to lose any of this to time.. to the lapse of memory. and i love it. : )

i leave you with the words of ani difranco.. she says it better and more eloquently than i could ever put into words, anyway:

"half of learning how to play
is learning what not to play
and she's learning the spaces she leaves
have their own things to say
and she's trying to sing just enough
so that the air around her moves
and make music like mercy
that gives what it is
and has nothing to prove

she crawls out on a limb
and begins to build a home
and it's enough just to look around
and know that she's not alone"

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